This morning I awoke from a dream that big bad Chuck (aka Randy) wanted to be friends. I've written about him here and here (the man I lived with for 14 years). Only he wasn't big or bad. He was just friendly in the nicest possible way. Except that I couldn't be friends. I woke up thinking of a song, "... I think it's about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore." Another thing I can't do is believe he doesn't love me anymore. When you love someone, you love them forever no matter what. So, I have to believe that he never loved me. How else could he believe a lie? (Which brings up another song, "You Don't Know Me.")
Possessed by the song and the thoughts I tried to find the tune at the Apple Music Store. Not knowing who sang it, I tried "Satellite" but it wasn't Dave Matthews. Then I tried searching for "You Don't Love Me" and "Even If" and finally got a hit with "Heart of the Matter." There is one track available (unless I purchase the entire album directly from Don Henley). I bought it. It's live acoustic and not bad but also not the version that played on the radio for years until I wanted to tear the car radio out and throw it over an interstate bridge. This morning I can't get enough of it. Today it makes sense.
Finding the song led me to the Eagles which were one of Chuck's favorites, together with Metallica. Go figure.
It's hard to forgive someone I love so much who, apparently, doesn't love me anymore and quite possibly never did. I know I have to do it. Forgiveness is sweet and will let me get on with my life and do amazing things like finish my novel and that screenplay. And maybe even make my short stories better. And me happier.
I'm tired of being angry and tired of this aching hole. I know I'm on the road to forgiveness and right beside me are Don Henley and the Eagles.
... and when I'm ready, you'll be there at the end of the road where it branches into a new country. I do it for you. For me. For love. To clear the planet of yet another angry, bitter person. To learn. To be me.