Sky 219 - moon drama

When the moon first rose, I thought it was the sun setting. Then I remembered I was facing east. All I have now is my iPhone camera. The actual moon rise was a lot more dramatic than this.

That's the reflection of the moon in the water. The lights are along the Bay/Bridge/Tunnel bridge road. No lights in the center because that's the tunnel part. And now you know.

Hero and Dog

It's a start.

Current Fads
Listening. Romance Unlimited (unpublished iMix); my heart
Watching. Iron Man (2008)
Activity. running away to the woods
Gadget. iPhone 3GS
Writing. Gertrude, so far (NaNoWriMo 2010)
Location: Regulus, about 15 miles from the orphanage

when day is done and shadows fall I dream of you

when day is done I think of all the joys I knew

that yearning

returning

to be held in your arms

I know love, what's so love,

without you life has lost its charms ...

and although I miss

your craziness

the whole day through

I miss you most of all

when day is done

From the Porcupine

I hide - I act like a porcupine
    and hide
you must find me
   before the snakes
       kill you
phantoms live in my heart
   like mold

5/17/07/ e greywalker

Current Fads
Listening. Love is Everywhere (unpublished playlist); windy a/c
Watching. The Unmistaken Child (2009)
Activity. fantasy
Gadget. none
News Source. the news feeds in Safari
Reading. Creation's Heartbeat: Following the Reindeer Spirit - Linda Schierse Leonard; The Sandman (No. 55) - Neil Gaiman (DC Vertigo); Trail of the Dragon - Susan Kelly; The Craft - Dorothy Morrison; Care of the Soul - Thomas Moore.
Writing. nothing (omg!)
Song of the Day: If I Loved You

Should I stay or should I go?

There comes a time in most long term relationships when you run into some issues you don't understand and can't resolve. No matter how much you love each other or how long you have been together you start thinking about the return on your efforts and whether or not you should continue pouring your heart into something that doesn't seem to be working.

So, why don't you leave? Because it's not over and you're still in love and there are many, many areas in which the relationship still seems to be worth the effort. If you don't fearfully cut and run, the two of you most likely will end up in some kind of couples therapy.

The myth of therapy is that is will make things better. It will. Just not right away. A therapist will take an inventory of your relationship, noting what works and what doesn't. You might come away from these initial sessions thinking, "I knew it was bad but not that bad!" You have discovered 37 issues the two of you avoided for the previous three years (or longer). 37! That's a lot. That's too many.

If you are of a certain disposition you will cut and run needing no further proof that it's better to leave. If you are more stubborn than that, you will go back and work on the 37 until the two of you have got them down to 25, then down to 12 and finally to 4 or 5 hard core issues that seem huge, overwhelming and eternal.

You may reconsider ending the relationship because of these extremely difficult remaining issues. Still, things have improved. You've learned to keep up with issues instead of sweeping them under the carpet. You've learned it's better to face the awkwardness of stumbling through a sensitive issue than to let it fester and develop into a monster with it's own life eating a hole through the floor into which, one day, the two of you will fall.

You've also learned how the crap gets into your lives and how to keep it from getting there. Mostly. Things are good; even better than you can remember. Still, there are those few issues. Your therapist seems happy and you wonder if maybe you aren't overpaying her.

Then one day you realize that what you're looking at isn't crap but diamonds in the rough. The toughest stuff around. You begin to accept that these issues aren't ever going away. That, in fact, these are the gems. These are the points of contact that brought the two of you together and keep the two of you together. The fact that these issues will never go away is what gives your relationship meaning. So, both of you chip away at these issues knowing that you will be working on them for the rest of your life.

These diamonds are the core of your relationship. A bright core around which you can grow, on which you depend and which gives the two of you common goals.

Once you reach this understanding, the therapist will slowly disengage knowing that she has given you the tools, shown you how to use them and has seen that you are using them regularly. She feels quite sure that you will continue working until your diamonds are brightly polished, brilliantly reflecting the light of your love.

You will both breathe a deep and well earned sigh of relief. You are on your way.

I used to believe in cut and run. In a small percentage of relationships, particularly where one of you refuses to deal with issues, that's the best course of action. Now I believe in working it out, sticking to it until it sticks to you. So much damage is done by the breaking up of long term relationships. Damage to the couple, their friends, their society, and the children which can go on for years and never be mended.

And then there is the loss of love, the greatest tragedy. Better avoided at all costs. So — work. Work on your love. Hone and polish it. Shine on.

Current Fads
Listening. country music; ringing in ears
Watching. Aeon Flux: The Complete Animated Version (1995, 2005)
Activity. renewing
Gadget. resuscitated Palm Zire 31
News Source. Twitter
Reading. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - J. K. Rowling; Story - Robert McKee; The Book of Runes - Ralph H. Blum
Writing. blog posts; SL LSL scripts

clowns and solitaire

isn't it bliss, don't you approve, one who keeps tearing around, one who can't move ... send in the clowns*





excerpted lyrics from "Send in the Clowns"

song of the day

If I fell

If I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
and I found that love is more
than just holding hands

if I give my heart to you
I must be sure from the very start
...

like air

I would like to be the air

that inhabits you for a moment

only. I would like to be that unnoticed

& that necessary.

-Margaret Atwood (from "Variations on the Word Sleep")


wherever you are
whoever you are

6 Years Later

Well, I was going to write a morose posting about how the worst thing about breaking up is waking up in the middle of the night six years later to have a conversation with the missing guest. Then I fired up Blogger and fell into "Blogs Of Note" and read "It's lovely - I'll take it" and nearly fell off the chair laughing. What a great cure. And then I took a look at My Little Multiverse and noticed that three of them were updated within the last couple of hours. Either I'm not the only one up at this hour or they're all on the left coast.

Picture of the Perfect Relationship

This is how I want my (future) long term relationship to feel. You go Marc!

V-day My Way

Yahoo! avatars have their uses! I also watched a couple of un-Valentine videos. You should try it.

And then there is that other "V."

Note: This avatar image will change as I update my avatar. For V-day I had my avatar standing with a big hole in her chest and holding her beating, bleeding heart in one hand. You had to be there.

I think it's about forgiveness ...

This morning I awoke from a dream that big bad Chuck (aka Randy) wanted to be friends. I've written about him here and here (the man I lived with for 14 years). Only he wasn't big or bad. He was just friendly in the nicest possible way. Except that I couldn't be friends. I woke up thinking of a song, "... I think it's about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore." Another thing I can't do is believe he doesn't love me anymore. When you love someone, you love them forever no matter what. So, I have to believe that he never loved me. How else could he believe a lie? (Which brings up another song, "You Don't Know Me.")

Possessed by the song and the thoughts I tried to find the tune at the Apple Music Store. Not knowing who sang it, I tried "Satellite" but it wasn't Dave Matthews. Then I tried searching for "You Don't Love Me" and "Even If" and finally got a hit with "Heart of the Matter." There is one track available (unless I purchase the entire album directly from Don Henley). I bought it. It's live acoustic and not bad but also not the version that played on the radio for years until I wanted to tear the car radio out and throw it over an interstate bridge. This morning I can't get enough of it. Today it makes sense.

Finding the song led me to the Eagles which were one of Chuck's favorites, together with Metallica. Go figure.

It's hard to forgive someone I love so much who, apparently, doesn't love me anymore and quite possibly never did. I know I have to do it. Forgiveness is sweet and will let me get on with my life and do amazing things like finish my novel and that screenplay. And maybe even make my short stories better. And me happier.

I'm tired of being angry and tired of this aching hole. I know I'm on the road to forgiveness and right beside me are Don Henley and the Eagles.

... and when I'm ready, you'll be there at the end of the road where it branches into a new country. I do it for you. For me. For love. To clear the planet of yet another angry, bitter person. To learn. To be me.