0122 - Words and Art

Profile image for blog profile and other places. (2006)

there here weher where there everywhere nowhere it is nowhere it is no here and there and wear and hear hair (2008)

Tunic Guy experiment (2008)

One thing I have discovered is that my mood seems to follow the seasons. I mean, can I say this after a mere 22 days? Still, it looks that way. Generally around this time I feel very much alone. Why after the holidays and not during? And why now, weeks after and not days after? Perhaps all the family activity is distracting.

waiting for an angel

Angel

Current Fads
Listening. Celtic and OMs (unpublished playlist); whooshing A/C unit
Watching. Camilla (1994)
Activity. exhibiting a semblance of sanity
Gadget. iPhone 3GS
News Source. Facebook and Twitter
Reading. Refuse to Choose - Barbara Sher; Shakespeare: the Invention of the Human - Harold Bloom; The Wisdom of No Escape - Pema Chodron; On A Clear Day You Can See Forever - Alan Jay Lerner (1966 original version); The Art of Shakespeare's Sonnets - Helen Vendler
Writing. absolutely nothing
Song of the Night: Ciara
App of the Night: WhiteNoise

the you

The you i make up
is always better
than the you
that exists

why do you never exist?

up again

Current Fads
Listening. Where or When, Lena Horne and Romance Unlimited (unpublished playlist); ringing in ears
Watching. When Harry Met Sally (1989); House Calls (1978)
Activity. burning tapes to CD; keeping the shrubs alive
Gadget. iPhone
News Source. Google News
Reading. In the Last Analysis - Amanda Cross; Dem Herzen nahe - Jörg Zink; Kissing Christmas Goodbye - M. C. Beaton
Writing. morning pages
Song of the Day: Just Like Heaven, Katie Melua

rain making me morose

Lessons learned from Shrek:

1. When you are ugly, have a good roar, and can run fast you never have to fight.

2. Unusual creatures make the best friends.

3. True love makes you beautiful, not the other way around.

4. You don't have to look for opportunities to be a hero. They will be thrust upon you.

5. Be open minded. Not everyone is lucky enough to be an ogre.

Current Fads
Listening. Goodbye to Love (personal playlist – see below); the beating of my heart
Watching. Shrek (2001)
Activity. discovering Chocolates by Kelly
Gadget. my head
News Source. news?
Reading. Vision of Murder - Victoria Laurie (yes, it is taking me along time to get through this detective mystery. i only read it before going to bed)
Writing. this post

no direction and nothing in particular

Current Fads
Listening. Songs From the Labyrinth, Sting and Genius Mixes; machine whirrs
Watching. Bridget Jones Diary (2001)
Activity. following my nose
Gadget. iPhone 3GS
News Source. the news feeds in Safari
Reading. Better Read Than Dead - Victoria Laurie; Refuse to Choose - Barbara Sher
Writing. a novel
Ap of the Day: GPS Lite
Song of the Day: Girl in the War, Josh Ritter

maudlin

Current Fads
Listening. The Velvet Underground and Nico and Most of the Time, Bob Dylan; that echo in my head
Watching. High Fidelity (2000)
Activity. trimming the hedge
Gadget. iMic
News Source. the news feeds in Safari
Reading. Refuse to Choose - Barbara Sher; The Craft - Dorothy Morrison; Trail of the Dragon - Susan Kelly
Writing. nothing and feeling very guilty about it, although I did get this idea for a really good story and jotted down a quick couple of notes
Song of the Day: Most of the Time, Bob Dylan

update: at this moment

Current Fads
Listening. Dear Mr. Fantasy, Traffic and I Yell At Traffic, Leo Kottke; the past; the wind
Watching. Almost Famous (2000)
Activity. reclaiming
Gadget. plumber's helper
News Sources. Facebook; Twitter
Reading. Murder With Peacocks - Donna Andrews; DailyOm.com; 4-Hour Work Week - Timothy Ferris; Retirement Without Borders - Barry Golson with Thia Golson; the moon and the stars
Writing. portfolio pieces descriptions; journalling

me, only sicker

One of the horrible situations one finds oneself in when one lives alone is being ill with no one to attend you. I'm not talking about life threatening illness (for which relatives come out of the woodwork), I mean the ordinary everyday sort of sickness like a really, really bad cold, such as the one I have today. It has been coming on for days now and I didn't know it. I was ambushed yesterday and lay in bed and watched movies most of the day and night. Today is the same only worse.

Yesterday I had to haul my sick self out and purchase cold remedies. It had been so long since the last time I had a cold I couldn't remember what decongestant worked best. I remembered Nyquil, that blessed elixir of pain free deep sleep. So I got some healing sleep last night.

Today, however, I needed someone to riffle through my clothes and find soft warm things to put on after a lovely hot bath with epsom salts and euchilyptus oil. Someone to clean the tub first and run the water. Someone to find warm soft towels. Someone to care for the dog and do the dishes. Someone to sweep the floors which suddenly look germ infested. Someone to change out the smelly sheets for clean fragrant ones. Someone to run out to the video shop and find consoling humorous films to distract me.

You know, someone to cater to my every whim. I am, after all, the sick one. I know what will make me feel better. Right now it seems as if a moderate walk with the dog in the cool fresh sunshine would be lovely. I may actually do that.
Current Fads
Listening. recently purchased tunes (unpublished); a pin drop (everyone has left for Thanksgiving)
Watching. The Man With One Red Shoe (1993)
Activity. treading the sloppy wandering path of recovery from a rediculously brutal cold I do not deserve; fearfully watching the days go by and the word count needed to finish my novel draft by the end of the month multiply
Gadget. anything that plays movies
News Source. you gotta be kidding me
Reading. amusing detective novels by Simon Brett

like air

I would like to be the air

that inhabits you for a moment

only. I would like to be that unnoticed

& that necessary.

-Margaret Atwood (from "Variations on the Word Sleep")


wherever you are
whoever you are

morning is the long way home

meloncholia is all i have to report

Songs of the Day (break): Song No. 6, Ane Brun

Once I Loved, Astrud Gilberto

... and the above (Leo Kottke)

I need a farm boy

I need someone I can order around. I spend a lot of time solving problems at work. It would be soooo nice to come home and find all my domestic problems solved. Farm boys apply here! A humble farm boy who later turns out to be independently wealthy and can take away some of this crap. You can be a Dread Pirate Roberts or a math genius who works the lottery. I don't care.

V-day My Way

Yahoo! avatars have their uses! I also watched a couple of un-Valentine videos. You should try it.

And then there is that other "V."

Note: This avatar image will change as I update my avatar. For V-day I had my avatar standing with a big hole in her chest and holding her beating, bleeding heart in one hand. You had to be there.

Translations: What men really mean in those online dating profiles

1. Willing to relocate = No fixed address; I'll go anywhere for sex.
2. Skeleton profile = I'm here for the sex.
3. Preferred body type "Any" = I can have sex with anyone.
4. Active = high libido
5. Separated = married but looking for extra sex
6. Looking for a warm, caring woman. = I'm looking for safe unlimited sex.
7. If you're looking for sex, move along. = I've discovered I get more sex when I say I'm not looking for it.
8. My friends say that I'm ... = I've heard these lies will get me more sex.
9. Be prepared to be treated like a real lady. = I will totally take over your life (so that no one can have sex with you but me).
10. ... enough of a bad boy to be interesting. = You will never know where I am.

I think it's about forgiveness ...

This morning I awoke from a dream that big bad Chuck (aka Randy) wanted to be friends. I've written about him here and here (the man I lived with for 14 years). Only he wasn't big or bad. He was just friendly in the nicest possible way. Except that I couldn't be friends. I woke up thinking of a song, "... I think it's about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore." Another thing I can't do is believe he doesn't love me anymore. When you love someone, you love them forever no matter what. So, I have to believe that he never loved me. How else could he believe a lie? (Which brings up another song, "You Don't Know Me.")

Possessed by the song and the thoughts I tried to find the tune at the Apple Music Store. Not knowing who sang it, I tried "Satellite" but it wasn't Dave Matthews. Then I tried searching for "You Don't Love Me" and "Even If" and finally got a hit with "Heart of the Matter." There is one track available (unless I purchase the entire album directly from Don Henley). I bought it. It's live acoustic and not bad but also not the version that played on the radio for years until I wanted to tear the car radio out and throw it over an interstate bridge. This morning I can't get enough of it. Today it makes sense.

Finding the song led me to the Eagles which were one of Chuck's favorites, together with Metallica. Go figure.

It's hard to forgive someone I love so much who, apparently, doesn't love me anymore and quite possibly never did. I know I have to do it. Forgiveness is sweet and will let me get on with my life and do amazing things like finish my novel and that screenplay. And maybe even make my short stories better. And me happier.

I'm tired of being angry and tired of this aching hole. I know I'm on the road to forgiveness and right beside me are Don Henley and the Eagles.

... and when I'm ready, you'll be there at the end of the road where it branches into a new country. I do it for you. For me. For love. To clear the planet of yet another angry, bitter person. To learn. To be me.

NaNoWriMo Update

I think the site is seriously overloaded or something. I was going to update my word count to 3,397 and the site wouldn't load. I'll just have to live with the 3,100 odd I admitted to earlier today. Spent a lot of time not writing. Some of it justified. I like having a big project that I'm working on. It gives my life meaning, gives me something to think about as I wander the aisles of Barnes and Noble, and helps me to parcel out the rest of my time. Yep. Just like last time.

I tried to do some mulching and to re-attack the leak in the north wall of the living room but some how it was all just too much.

I did write my quota for today but I'm still a day behind. There's a write-in tomorrow, which will help and be motivational (if it's anything like last year). I am ready with PDA, keyboard and borrowed software (ty DataViz).

Sucky, really, to be here by myself some times. Not often, though.

Listening: Neighborhood – Jan Garbarek, Manu Katché, Marcin Wasilewski, Slavomir Kurkiewicz & Tomasz Stanko
Watching: The Science of Sleep; Who Framed Roger Rabbit; Numb3rs (10/19)
Reading: The Telling – Ursula K. LeGuin

i know you're out there somewhere

the secret of your beauty
and the mystery of your soul
i've been searching for in everyone i meet
and the times i've been mistaken
it's impossible to say
and the grass is growing underneath our feet

— The Moody Blues

Video of the Night: I Can't Let Go

extremes

This time of year and then that other time, like the depths of winter, say right around Christmas until, oh, March, I get antsy. And I do silly stuff like update my lame Yahoo! Avatar. Here she is!

I also browse the Personals. And accidentally activated my profile. I had 27 views within days. And seven messages. Since I haven't subscribed I can't do anything other than send a canned message. So I just didn't go back. But I kept getting emails about how many views I had and how many new messages I've been sent, so I turned my profile off.

I'm a bit concerned about my use of the word "so." What would be better? I don't feel like rewriting to eliminate it. How about "ergo" or "ipsit facto" or "therefore"? All worse choices, I believe. Guess I'll just have to lean on "so" for awhile.

I hope you're doing better than I am! Keep cool.

My Favorite Men

For those of you keen on knowing which actors and other famous men I would consider dating, here's the list. Now, not saying I'm ready to do more than have a first date, mind you. There is no regard for marital status. Here they are in no particular order.

• Viggo Mortensen Artist and poet, good looking, enjoys horses but he smokes. Still I would give him a shot. Especially if the date involved listening to him read his poetry. His acting surprises me. He's unpredictable and very private. Somehow I feel like only I have the key. Intriguing. Ah, sweet mystery!
• Paul McCartney You know I've always had it for The Beatles. And this one is available now, isn't he? A bit too much of a showman for me. I'm afraid I'd never know his secrets. Still, it just one date and I bet it would be fabulous. Especially if he showed me round his studio and played a bunch of instruments. I'd love to talk music.
• Harrison Ford Kind, considerate, collaborative, creative, handsome - what's not to like? I've enjoyed every role he's ever played. My favorites are Indiana Jones and Deckard. This man is deep but open.
• Pierce Brosnan This one had me from "Hello." One look on the small screen was all it took. He was robbed of his full Bond turn - too little, too late. And they hid his greatest asset, his smile.
• Bernard Hill Such rugged good looks and so healthy in an outdoors way. Here's a guy who means what he says and is firm but understanding - a rock. Also, great with horses. Just watch the documentary showing him "getting used to" his horse for LOTR. No doubt who and who's horse was in charge there.
• Nicolas Cage The word "fey" was invented for this man. It was "Moonstruck" that did it for me. Looks good in "National Treasure", too. His voice has such a wide range of expression. Being with him would be quite the ride.
• Hugh Grant This one is on the young end. However, having seen him in "Music and Lyrics" I can see he has the level of maturity I require. It's the posh voice, you know. Also, he must be a real nice guy when he can throw baked beans and everyone thinks its justified.
• Hugh Jackman Just a date. That's all. Nothing serious. He's a bit young but he might do. I think I would just sit and drool. A talented actor who can play some really strong quirky characters very well. I'd like to hear him talk about his acting career.
• Val Kilmer I couldn't take my eyes off of him in "Willow." Didn't recognize him in the next show I saw. Again, just a date. Just to have a conversation. I have a feeling I wouldn't be able to keep up but I would learn a lot.
• Arnold Schwartzenegger Married, I know. But I'm so attracted to Germans. Okay, I know he's Swiss. Same thing. Sort of. Gentle giant. Forget the politics.
• Jeff Bridges A guy who will keep secrets. Sensitive. Lovely voice. Knocked me out in "Starman." He's so comfortable with feelings and very deep.
• Bruce Willis It was "Die Hard" and "The Fifth Element" and then he showed his sensitive side in "The Sixth Sense." And I lived in New Jersey for a year. Somehow that makes us neighbors. Yeah, I guess he is sort of the guy next door, the one that drinks beer and has all the guys over for football.