Should I stay or should I go?

There comes a time in most long term relationships when you run into some issues you don't understand and can't resolve. No matter how much you love each other or how long you have been together you start thinking about the return on your efforts and whether or not you should continue pouring your heart into something that doesn't seem to be working.

So, why don't you leave? Because it's not over and you're still in love and there are many, many areas in which the relationship still seems to be worth the effort. If you don't fearfully cut and run, the two of you most likely will end up in some kind of couples therapy.

The myth of therapy is that is will make things better. It will. Just not right away. A therapist will take an inventory of your relationship, noting what works and what doesn't. You might come away from these initial sessions thinking, "I knew it was bad but not that bad!" You have discovered 37 issues the two of you avoided for the previous three years (or longer). 37! That's a lot. That's too many.

If you are of a certain disposition you will cut and run needing no further proof that it's better to leave. If you are more stubborn than that, you will go back and work on the 37 until the two of you have got them down to 25, then down to 12 and finally to 4 or 5 hard core issues that seem huge, overwhelming and eternal.

You may reconsider ending the relationship because of these extremely difficult remaining issues. Still, things have improved. You've learned to keep up with issues instead of sweeping them under the carpet. You've learned it's better to face the awkwardness of stumbling through a sensitive issue than to let it fester and develop into a monster with it's own life eating a hole through the floor into which, one day, the two of you will fall.

You've also learned how the crap gets into your lives and how to keep it from getting there. Mostly. Things are good; even better than you can remember. Still, there are those few issues. Your therapist seems happy and you wonder if maybe you aren't overpaying her.

Then one day you realize that what you're looking at isn't crap but diamonds in the rough. The toughest stuff around. You begin to accept that these issues aren't ever going away. That, in fact, these are the gems. These are the points of contact that brought the two of you together and keep the two of you together. The fact that these issues will never go away is what gives your relationship meaning. So, both of you chip away at these issues knowing that you will be working on them for the rest of your life.

These diamonds are the core of your relationship. A bright core around which you can grow, on which you depend and which gives the two of you common goals.

Once you reach this understanding, the therapist will slowly disengage knowing that she has given you the tools, shown you how to use them and has seen that you are using them regularly. She feels quite sure that you will continue working until your diamonds are brightly polished, brilliantly reflecting the light of your love.

You will both breathe a deep and well earned sigh of relief. You are on your way.

I used to believe in cut and run. In a small percentage of relationships, particularly where one of you refuses to deal with issues, that's the best course of action. Now I believe in working it out, sticking to it until it sticks to you. So much damage is done by the breaking up of long term relationships. Damage to the couple, their friends, their society, and the children which can go on for years and never be mended.

And then there is the loss of love, the greatest tragedy. Better avoided at all costs. So — work. Work on your love. Hone and polish it. Shine on.

Current Fads
Listening. country music; ringing in ears
Watching. Aeon Flux: The Complete Animated Version (1995, 2005)
Activity. renewing
Gadget. resuscitated Palm Zire 31
News Source. Twitter
Reading. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - J. K. Rowling; Story - Robert McKee; The Book of Runes - Ralph H. Blum
Writing. blog posts; SL LSL scripts